Bridal Shower Question

[Dulcee]

My future sister in law is getting married this October, I'm one of her bridesmaids. She's a really sweet person who tends to do a lot for other people so I've been looking forward to being involved and making this special for her.

They got engaged over the winter a few months after my fiance and I. In May her parents threw her and her brother a joint engagement/birthday party. Just a backyard barbeque, nothing crazy, but nice. Her side of her family was there, her fiance's wasn't. Both my parents and my sister helped with food, wine etc because they had originally talked about throwing my fiance a birthday party and his parents had later said they'd rather just combine it with her engagement party. (We live 600 miles from our families thus every time we come home we end up celebrating something).

Move ahead to a few weeks ago and I've tried a couple times now to get in touch with my sister in law's two other adult bridesmaids on planning her shower. Her wedding is mid october, its already mid july, we need to get on this. Well despite emails and facebook messages I haven't heard back from either of them. So I had my fiance ask his mother if she heard anything and I was shocked by the response.

She said that because they had thrown her the engagement party in May they didn't think it was necessary to have a bridal shower. She said it didn't seem right to ask family to give another gift so close to the wedding. If the bridal shower is in early September that would be 4 months between them! Plus I always assumed that throwing the bridal shower was really the bridesmaids responsibility and not the family's.

Now I feel horrible. I would be crushed if my bridesmaids didn't throw me a bridal shower. I tried to explain to my Fiance that being only women is a different vibe, a different type of party and that traditionally bridal showers are always within a month or so of the wedding date. I don't know what to do. I know my sister in law threw her Maid of Honor's bridal shower, she'll be asked to participate in mine as she's one of my bridesmaids and now I'm being asked to just let that go?

I don't want to step on my Fiance's family's toes but I don't know what to do.

Any thoughts? Do I just bite my tongue and let it go? Or do I try to push a little more? I'd hate to have her expecting one for it to just not happen...

[VWL Mom]

I understand both sides of this. The mom knows the family better and maybe they would be put out by another "bring a gift" invitation.

That being said, maybe your fiance could get a list of her friends and you could throw a smaller scale shower with them in attendance and leave family out. Do you know her husband to be well enough that maybe he could contribute to the list?

Just a thought.

[TysMomTink]

I understand in today's economy asking for too many gifts so close together may be a strain for many. However, I agree with you: a bridal shower is expected and I expect your FSIL would be heartbroken if one doesn't occur. I agree with VWL Mom, perhaps you can do a smaller scale shower with friends, family, (think you said the future groom's family wasn't at engagement party?).

[Dulcee]

Thanks... I've been talking this over with my Mom who is also friendly with my sister in law. We're thinking a smaller scale party may be appropriate, perhaps a brunch or tea. I just need to come up with a way of doing it that won't step on anyone's toes.

I've always looked at a bridal shower as a "yay lets celebrate the real beginning of all the wedding related fun and show you how happy we are for you.." I know its a gift giving event also but its been more that sentiment that I've always concentrated on.

Thanks again for the thoughts thus far and I'd greatly appreciate any others!

[princessgirls]

Every Bride looks forward to her shower!! I think you are sweet to do something on a small scale. It's the right thing to do.

I just threw a shower for my sister in March. It was a big expense on my part, and there were only 2 other bridesmaids to split it with.
My sister was thrilled with her shower, food, venue, and everything. At the end of the day, it made her happy and it was the right thing to do.

Julie

[Madame Leona]

Does the bride want a shower or is everyone echoing her wishes as well? I know that I did not want/have a shower and I felt so much pressure from others that I asked my mom to step in and speak for me.

[MNNHFLTX]

So everyone brought the couple a gift to the engagement party? If so, I could understand that it might be a bit much to ask guests to gift them again. If you do just want to do the shower as a celebration (no gifts expected), I see nothing wrong with that. Just make sure it's politely worded on the invitations.

[Dulcee]

Thanks for the thoughts..

I am going to do some investigating to be sure the bride wants a shower before going forward with anything. She has a bridal registry which makes me feel like she is expecting one but I'll do some additional checking first.

As far as gifts at the engagement party, they were mostly bottles of wine or smaller items, nothing from her registry has been purchased so I'm not sure how those invited to the engagement party would feel about gifting again.

[diz_girl]

A bridal shower is expected, so just ask her. Not people around her, but her. Put it to her that you'd like to throw her a bridal shower and that you wanted to ask her permission first before you went forward. If she asks you why you're asking her, you can say that you wanted to know her wishes and respect them. If you feel that it's appropriate, you can mention that her mother said not to and that you didn't feel comfortable with the mother's response without knowing her wishes. But I might refrain from mentioning that because you don't know how domineering the mother is and the bride might cave to her mother's wishes but really want a shower. If she already knows her mother's opinion, then remind her that it is her wedding and not her mother's. Also, my cousin just got married on Friday. It is her second marriage. She asked her bridesmaids NOT to throw a shower and they did it anyway.

Also, if you're worried that the bride would know that she would be having a shower, don't be. Every bride who has family and friends expects a shower, they just don't know where or when. Exceptions to this would be if the bride lived in another state from where her shower was being held, as was the case with both my sister and I. We knew about our showers so we could travel to them.

I don't know how well you know you're future MIL, but it seems like she's kind of self-absorbed, controlling or manipulative, or some combination of the three. Believe me, as someone who has a controlling mother and selfish MIL, I know what it's like and can recognize the signs. Why I concluded that is because she left out the entire groom's family and didn't want to throw a bridal shower for her own daughter. That's a bit odd. Even if the groom's family are a bunch of losers, they should still be invited. So ignore the MIL and focus on the bride.

Also, based on their responses, or lack thereof, don't expect the other bridesmaids to pitch in. You're on your own there. So keep it small and manageable and maybe ask for your mother's help. Don't be afraid of stepping on toes, especially those who have no problems stepping on other's toes. If your future MIL confronts you, just pose to her the following question, "How would you feel if your family didn't have a bridal shower for you?" Hopefully, she won't pressure the bride into not having one.

Good luck.

[SBETigg]

It's really sweet of you to be looking out for her. She's lucky to be getting a great sister in law!

I can see the mother's point- and since it is her daughter, she shouldn't really be involved in the shower planning anyway, right? I mean, indirectly yes but it's not her gig. But the bridesmaids might want to get together and throw the shower, of course. In some areas, the guys attend the shower now, too, and it really is more of an engagement party, so maybe they were thinking of it that way? Not sure. But you throwing a smaller shower is a nice idea, just a tea or brunch somewhere for a small group is fine, doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. In this case, I might get the bride's input on who to invite and what to do for the shower, yes. Good thinking. It won't be a surprise, but at least you will know what her wishes and expectations are.