step mother in law need to vent?

[Tiggerlovr9000]

My fil is the most wonderful person you could ever meet and up to a year ago he had been a widower for 9years. He is 83. He called last June on a Wed. to tell us he was getting married the following Monday to someone we had never met..Within 2 weeks he moved into her house and she demanded we come get all the stuff out of her garage that had come from his apartment. So on our anniversary we made 3 round trips, 5 and half hours each trip.. All of the pictures of our family that my fil had were in those boxes.. along with other stuff. She has all kinds of pictures up of her kids,grandkids and 3 of his. None of my children..We have been nothing but polite to her even though this hurts..Fastforward she said she wanted to have a birthday party for him but picked a day we couldnt make it. I have to work. I even gave her a list of the days we could make it. When I told her this she gave us a hugh guilt trip saying right in front of him that this could be his last birthday{he does have health issues} That my dh should spend time with his dad etc. Only thing is most times when we call and try to make plans to see them it wont work for them. Alot of time my fil says yes then she doesnt like it so he cancels. My dh and I both have jobs and cant just take anytime off when we want..We were fine with missing the party because we know it is hard to juggle everyones schedule until the guilt trip..My dh had me call his siblings and see if we could all get together on another day and then he could just have 2 parties. They said yes. My fil said great and my mil blew a gasket and said she wouldnt come. That I was trying to go above her head and canceled her party. First it was not my idea and second we had 2 christmas's because of work. My dh told her that we didnt mean to upset her and he would attend her party without me.{he does not like to travel without me} She still said she was done and didnt want to talk to us. We asked to talk to fil but he wouldnt. I feel bad because it is his birthday and that he had to listen to her gripe..any opinions are we right or wrong.

[Cinderelley]

Sounds like it is time for your fil to step in and take care of things.

IMO, there's nothing wrong with two parties.

An alternative would be for you and your family to just take him out to lunch on a different day for his bday.

[VWL Mom]

Hmm, sounds to me like this woman has an agenda. Does FIL have money by any chance? Suffer from any stage of dementia? When someone tries to take control to this extent it's not because of love!

IMO it's time for dh and his siblings to go there and check it out.

BTW, I don't think there was anything wrong with suggesting a 2nd party because of your work schedules. Evidently, FIL didn't either.

[dnickels]

I agree with what's already been said, the control this woman is exerting is more than a little troubling. Depending on your FIL's mental condition there could be some real legal issues going on here. Of course if he's of sound mind and physically able to take care of himself then he may share some of the blame for allowing her to have this much control but all that is pretty situation-specific. His kids need to get up there and talk to him in person without her around. If there's something going on then a lawyer who specializes in Elder law might have to get involved.

[TiggerDeb]

I can sympathize because we went through the same thing. My FIL introduced us to someone 4 months after my MIL passed and we thought she was alright but I did have some reservations, I told my Fil to date her and not marry her, well she managed to get him to do anything for her and 10 months to the day my MIL passed they married and did not bother to inform anyone until 3 days later. It has been a rocky road with her controlling everything and several years ago, my FIL passed away, unfortunately, the SMIL treated my DH and my brother in law so badly during the funeral, that we have not had anything to do with her ever since. Your fil needs to take control before he loses out on his family. Wishing you the best.

[minnie04]

Hmm, sounds to me like this woman has an agenda. Does FIL have money by any chance? Suffer from any stage of dementia? When someone tries to take control to this extent it's not because of love!

IMO it's time for dh and his siblings to go there and check it out.

BTW, I don't think there was anything wrong with suggesting a 2nd party because of your work schedules. Evidently, FIL didn't either.

IMO::

I totally agree with this post. Thats the first thing I thought of was MONEY!!! She is trying to isolate him from his family. This has nothing to do with parties. She is trying to control him. Is she a lot younger then him? I would look into his finances and make sure she isnt taking him for what ever he might have. This is crazy that your side of the family is being left out. she is guilting you so you wont question her motives..Please be careful with this women she sounds like she is up to no good.

Hope it all works out !!! Your husband and his siblings need to step in..

[Belle of the Ball 051411]

I'd be very concerned about this woman. Your DH and his siblings should step in. I'd maybe even do a background check on this lady. Does she have any family around? This woman could very well be a con artist and try and take everything your FIL has. (Recently saw a story about this on that show, "Who The Bleep Did I Marry?!")

[TysMomTink]

She sounds very controlling. I definitely think your DH and siblings should step in, the sooner the better because it will get worse. I have a horror story (won't get into it now) but the end result is much like TiggerDeb's story.

[Wolf]

Hmm, sounds to me like this woman has an agenda. Does FIL have money by any chance? Suffer from any stage of dementia? When someone tries to take control to this extent it's not because of love!

IMO it's time for dh and his siblings to go there and check it out.

BTW, I don't think there was anything wrong with suggesting a 2nd party because of your work schedules. Evidently, FIL didn't either.

110% agree with this, yall watch out! This kinda madness happened to my great aunt and none of my family has any idea where she is now...we try not to assume the worst but...its probably what happened. Good luck with all of it. Praying for yall.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

Wow I am overwhelmed by your responses. She is twelve years younger and he does have trouble remembering things. She was born and raised in his hometown. So even though we dont know her, he has since she was a teen. She was a widow and a professional in a hospital. I really dont know what her agenda is. We just feel out of the loop. I know she is the one taking care of him if he gets sick but whenever we are around she always talks like he is a child. We really believe that what has kept him with us all these years is going and doing things even if its a little painful. Now he lives with someone who keeps talking about we dont know how many days you have left etc. That has to be depressing. He did buy her a new SUV. But its his money and he can do with it what he wants. We still have not talked to them. My dh talked to his uncle and is hoping he can smooth things over. thanks for all your replies.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

So just an update. evidently smil wants to stay mad. We are going to be in town next week and called to see if we could stop by. She said they have dinner plans at 4;00pm. so no. I said we could stop earlier and leave when they had to go because we have other plans too. She gave the phone to my fil and again he said yes and even invited us to go to dinner with them. She said she wouldnt be there so he said they would have to talk and figure it out..

[DisneyOtaku]

I am getting bad vibes from this woman just from what you are describing here. I don't like controlling people, especially in relationships.

Just try to be super nice to her. That or just show up uninvited (probably make it worse, though...).

[Tiggerlovr9000]

So yesterday we tried again to try to set up a day to see fil before we go on vacation, My fil says we hurt her and we would have to wait and see. I heard smil in the background yelling that she was done. We sent a hundred dollar flower arrangement to her and thanked her for taking care of dad. We did not apologize and we have heard nothing, We just have no idea at all what to do..

[MstngDrvnDsnyLvr]

So yesterday we tried again to try to set up a day to see fil before we go on vacation, My fil says we hurt her and we would have to wait and see. I heard smil in the background yelling that she was done. We sent a hundred dollar flower arrangement to her and thanked her for taking care of dad. We did not apologize and we have heard nothing, We just have no idea at all what to do..

Just resign yourself that you will not have the relationship with your FIL that you used to have and that if there was any inheritance - it is now all hers. So sorry that has become like that for you. Just keep in contact via phone, emails, and cards thru snailmail.

[wdwfansince75]

Been sitting waiting for the right subject to use for my 1000th post...and from personal experience, this is the one. The five of us, and the five of our original spouses, celebrated our parents' Golden Anniversary with them. Within 5 years, Mom had passed away, and Dad remarried. SMIL was not as bad as you described, but much as she wanted to be Mom, she was not. And she was controlling. While none of us, nor our spouses, were ever pleased, the one consolation was that she did take care of Dad...DW and I took the responsibility of having DFiL live with us...for 15 years, after DMiL passed away....So we have lived both options. We prayed that DFiL would meet and marry a care-giver. Of the two options, the marrage, and a new SMiL is better...but only slightly.
Our parents had the five of us in seven years...and we were and remain close. One sister lived next door to Dad and his new wife....She bore the most of the burden. Dad didn't ever understand how we felt. But we all tried extra hard to keep the line open. Second biggest crises occurred when she asked Dad to get the house back...years before, Mom and Dad had transferred the house and land to us kids...SM and her late husband had sold theirs to their kids, and the kids defaulted on the mortage....so she owned nothing. She was years younger then him...only a few years older than our eldest sister..(She wasn't old enough to be our mother), and knew she would outlive him. He asked us each privately and seperately. I was prepared to say, "yes", but one of them told him to consider what Mom intended when they originally did the transfer...and the issue was dropped. Think it was probably one of the two times he stood up for his kids with her.
The worst crises was one that started when he offered his kids the chance to purchase his and Mom's cemetery plot...He and SM had decided to purchase their own plot, and one of her daughters had already purchase half of the plot occupied by her first husband. He did realize that none of us thought that was a good idea. Note that she raised the issue with him, shortly after he was diagnosed with cancer, and was given less than a year...he died within 9 months...and left clear instructions to be buried next to Mom. He also bought back her original plot...as his last anniversary present for her.
The day of his funeral, we five, and our spouses and kids, and grandkids, were at our youngest sister's house, next door...she and her kids were at Dad's house...Never considered her kids our brothers and sisters.
Three of we five have already celebrated their Fiftieth Anniversary...Youngest Sister and her Husband, and DW and I will celebrate our Golden Anniversaries in 2014. The relationship with SM remains polite, but none of us has remained close. Wouldn't recognize any of her kids if I stumbled over them....Her kids did help her move out, and get her own place, although we never told her she had to move...and she never asked to stay...that would have yielded control to us....which she never would do.
A final note...my brother lost his wife shortly after their 51th...about 2 years ago...Had a long conversation with him last year...He has not forgiven Dad for what he did to Mom, and is resolved that no one could possibly replace his dear late wife. Knowing how we ten (we five, and our spouses) felt about it, I could not imagine any circumstances that I would consider a second marriage. Ok, maybe if she were wealthy and had a DVC membership...

[minnie04]

I would be at the door of your FIL's house ASAP!!! This has gotten way out of 'CONTROL" and if this were my family member. I would be there to see him. Forget calling just go there. She is making him feel guilty that you guys hurt her, so now you can't see him. She is playing mind games with him and I would put a stop to it. Whats the worst that can happen?? You will upset her. To Hell with her HE should be your concern right now. If you have to involve the police to see him then so be it. Just tell you them you want to make sure he is living in a safe and clean environment. Tell them he isnt thinking clear and you think this women is playing him. I just know that if this were my Husbands father or my father. I would be there in a minute and no one would stop me from making sure he is ok...

He says yes to see you, so he clearly wants to see his family and she is making excuses not to let him. Something is very wrong here...

[Tiggerlovr9000]

Thank you for your replies. It helps so much that I can come on here and vent. It stops me from going crazy, also to think before I do anything irrational. Because my first thought is go there and tell her off. My dh is working this week and wants to give it a little time. I am getting physically ill from the whole thing... One good thing about his memory loss is he wont remember much of this..lol sorry bad joke

[dnickels]

-She's 12 years younger
-He has memory issues
-She's controlling when you can and can't see him
-He says he wants to see you but then she says that you can't
-He "bought" her a new SUV
-He has memory loss issues (again).

These aren't just hints of improper behavior, they're 140 decibel warning sirens with flashing lights on top. His family needs to get in touch with a lawyer who specializes in this stuff ASAP.

[Tiggerlovr9000]

-She's 12 years younger
-He has memory issues
-She's controlling when you can and can't see him
-He says he wants to see you but then she says that you can't
-He "bought" her a new SUV
-He has memory loss issues (again).

These aren't just hints of improper behavior, they're 140 decibel warning sirens with flashing lights on top. His family needs to get in touch with a lawyer who specializes in this stuff ASAP.

Okay so after reading all of your posts we have decided to go there friday unannouced. We will let you know how it goes. thanks again for all the imput..

[Mousefever]

Good luck to you, Tracey! Your situation sounds very difficult, but I'm glad you are going over unannounced. It will give you a better idea about how much your f-i-l is being controlled by her. And if she storms off, it will give you a good opportunity to have a frank discussion with him.

My dad remarried almost 6 years ago. I have my problems with his wife, but she entered into the marriage as a financial equal and they are pretty happy together. Before he met his current wife, though, he was engaged to a Ukranian woman he met online! She had nothing and didn't speak English very well. But he was going to bring her here and marry her only having met her twice! She died of cancer before she made it here though. Although it was a sad situation, I was relieved that he didn't end up marrying her. I know it's not the same situation at all, but I certainly understand difficult family situations.

Please let us know how it goes! (If she wants to know why you came, tell her it's because of how she always says that his days are numbered, and you don't want to miss out on seeing him before he dies!)

Amy