rug pulled out from under me

[brian2000boston]

Wow, that is so sad. After what sounded like a wonderful trip I couldnt imagine being blind sided like that. I am sorry that you have had to go through this, the only blessing in this is that you shouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt feel the same way you do. You will make it through this and find the person that is right for you. Someday you will look back and know it was for the best.

All my best from the other side of Mass.

[KylesMom]

Head up, shoulders straight and walk proud, Stitch. While I'm aghast at the deception DH made (especially with the whole extended family surprise at the front end of your trip with the kids) I have a feeling you're going to be fine. Faith, trust, and pixie dust (along with us and your family) will see you through. Been through this with my sis - the major thing is to ensure that all documents are accurate and there is no story-telling on his part! Make sure when they do discovery that it is not storytelling, and that you have representation that knows the situation. Thoughts & prayers are with you!

[KODABEAR]

Lots of hugs and prayer's!

[DVC2004]

Wow, I am really, truly sorry. I don't even know what to say. To come out of the blue like that. I agree go get a good lawyer, the best you can find. Nobody wants to fight but you have been put in the position where you are forced to. Good luck, we are all here for you if you need to vent, or cry, or anything. Big hugs to you. You will get through this.

[Jim&AngieMarriner]

Wow. I dont even know what to say. This is horrible. Not just for you but your kids. If you didnt see it coming then you can be sure the kids didnt. All this just coming back from a nice family vacation. What a piece of work.

I am sure it doesnt feel like it now but if he is capable of this kind of behavior you will probably be better off without him in the long run.

[Stitchahula]

I am getting so frustrated. He told he the lawyers he's talked to say he WILL get the kids every weekend and I'll have them durning the week. Everyone I've talked to say he'll get them every other weekend. I've come to the concuclusion he must really hate me to do this to me. I've had no luck finding a lawyer so far. I've looked up consignment shops and I'm going to sell my wedding dress. I know I need to sell my grooming tub and supplies to get money. I feel like I just keep needing to sell off pieces of me in order to end up not getting the you know what end of the stick. It appears he hasn't really been paying any of the bills lately, yet he says that it's not our money he spent on the lawyer. so where the heck did it all go. I really wish this weren't about money so much but I guess that's what 16 years of marriage comes down to. Him giving me 400 a week to take care of 2 children, house us, feed us, and clothe us. That leaves him about 900 a week for himself. He never even bothered to call me yesterday while I was in the hospital with our oldest child for my DS transfusion. It's not like I've been hostile I haven't been, in fact everyone is getting upset because I haven't got mad yet. they think I need to get mad to fight back, I thnk I need to stay calm in order to do this right. I'll let the anger come after all is said and done. thanks for letting me vent.

[Imalismom]

Find a local college that has a pre-law or law school. Call them and ask them for a listing of services in the area that can help you. Somewhere there is a lawyer that can help you.

Check out divorcenetwork.org for state by state information

Also, check out:
Contact Legal Aid: http://www.legal-aid.org/en/home.aspx

[Dulcee]

I agree with the above poster. Don't give up on finding a lawyer. You need someone on your side that understands the law. At the very least you should be able to find someone who can least consult with you on what your rights, options and best course of action are. It also sounds your H was the main income in your family, in which case you might be able to get an alimony settlement. The laws vary by state buts it worth investigating, especially since you have a child who requires some specialized care.

And if being calm right now works for you, go with it. Whatever you need to do to be logical and keep things together is whats best. Everyone goes through changes differently and getting angry may just not be whats best for you and your children right now.

[clausjo]

I agree with Imalismom, call legal aid in your area and they will provide you with advice regarding your situation. You will find an attorney that will help you and your children. I don't know what state you're in, but generally there is alimony provided, even if it is for a short period of time while you get an education, etc. so you can support yourself. You have a special needs child as well, and that should also factor in when deciding on how much support is necessary.

You will find someone to help, hang in there and keep venting to all of us here. We'll all help as best we can.

[NewDVCowner]

A custody agreement is an AGREEMENT between both parents. It needs to be written down, signed off by both parents and by a judge. I had a friend that went through this last year. They ended up working it all out in mediation (the custody thing) however it IS something that you need to agree to. He can't just come in and tell you how it's going to work. And of course his lawyer is going to back him up.

In California, at least, the alimony is worked out with a formula. They plug in all the numbers. What he makes, what you make, the number of years you've been married, etc, and from there come up with the number that needs to be paid. Alimony is seperate from child support. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but in California that's the way it works.

And I agree with others. Contact legal aid. They should be able to point you in the right direction. You need to get a lawyer to fight for you. There are so many ins and outs of the legal system that lay people don't have any idea of.

[cer]

It's not like I've been hostile I haven't been, in fact everyone is getting upset because I haven't got mad yet. they think I need to get mad to fight back, I thnk I need to stay calm in order to do this right. I'll let the anger come after all is said and done. thanks for letting me vent.

You keep your cool and think clearly, I'll be glad to get mad for you. In response to your original post, I think he is a complete coward and jerk for pulling the rug out from under your family.

I am so very sorry you are having to go through this.

[Hammer]

As you live in Massachusetts, I jusd a quick google search for free legal aid in Massachusetts and come up with many links. You need to get looking at these sites, retain one of them, and get moving and take away his advantage. Do this ASAP!

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

I've already told Coreen that I'll put the lawyer's retainer on my credit card; not something I want to do with interest rates what they are but I will NOT let him get away with this. I also want it stated in the divorce decree that HE has to pay me back. We've been telling our sis that he's been socking money away for years. I have no doubt he has a nice little nest egg to finance the lawyer and his new life.
And I also keep telling her that just because HE says so, don't make it so. And yes I used bad grammar on purpose. LOL

He also put down that the marriage fell apart in January, when our mother was in the hospital and DIED!!!! And then to file one week after we came back from the MAW trip? (I went along with them). Can you say HEARTLESS??? Stick the knife in a little deeper and twist some more. I used to like him. Not so much now.

I keep telling her that he's hugging her and kissing her and telling her he loves her to keep her off balance so she doesn't have her guns primed when needed.

Unfortunately even if they were to reconcile at this point i would NEVER believe in or trust him again. She might, I won't.

She'll get through this because she has a good support group in her family and friends. And Crazypoohbear and I will be there front and center for her and our nephews. He wants a fight, he'll get one!!!

He doesn't even want to spend time with his kids now, while he's living with them. She'll call me up and say that he told her to "get them out of here because I have things to do." This sounds like a father who wants to spend time with his kids? I don't think so! It will be interesting to see how this plays out.....we'll keep you posted.

thanks everyone!!

[TheVBs]

Payroll Princess, I'm so glad she has you!

Stitchahula, I am so incredibly sorry that this is happening to your family. Words simply fail me. Lean on your wonderful family and listen to what they're telling you. You don't have to be angry if you don't feel that in you, but regard every word that comes out of his mouth and every move he makes as suspect. Once you have a lawyer, that person will fight for you. He will have to reveal what he's been doing with the money that was supposed to belong to your family. If you're able to, I think hiring a private investigator is a really good idea too.

One day you will come out the other side of this! You and your children will have and love each other and you'll all be fine. Hang in there!

[Stitchahula]

still hurt, still devasted but gettting oh so angry now. He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees. The husband doesn't care we have to live, No money for 1st last and deposit he said I could go live at Payroll Princess's house until I can save up enough to pay for a place. I can't believe I thought I loved this man, he is heartless and I overlooked it all the time. I made excuses for it, well no more! I feel like a certain Elton John song which I won't put down because of it's none Disney title. He might of knocked me down, he did NOT knock me and I'm back and ready to fight. He won't know what hit him!

[Jeniflower]

Some times even though you love someone you have to make a clean break. Its hard but it has to be done. it sounds like he is using your love for him to play you.

To repeat what everyone else says get a lawyer. seek legal aid and do what ever you can.

Also it sounds like you are both still living in the same house and he is suggesting you move. Absolutely not, its your home and your kids home, so toss him out on the streets and change the locks if you can. He want's a divorce, he can live elsewhere till its sorted.

and what ever you do remember to hug your kids every day and tell them no matter what you will both always love them. Things may be hard but they are still the most important thing.

Good luck and remember what ever ill he trys to create will bounce back and hit him threefold

[Dulcee]

He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees. He won't know what hit him!

His attorney must be out of his mind. Judges do not look kindly at the spouse that chooses to walk away....especially in the fashion that your husband chose to do so. Financial infidelity is not taken lightly. Conduct during and prior to a divorce is important and is generally brought into consideration, and his it appears has been anything but stellar.

[laprana]

He told me last night that his attorney assured him he will get the visitation he wants, every weekend a month except for 1 or he will refund his fees.

Sounds to me like he is blowing a lot of smoke and trying to intimidate you so you will just cave and give him what he wants. I'm a paralegal...I work with lawyers all day, every day. NO lawyer I know would ever make any kind of statement like this. First off, it's a lie because no matter HOW good a lawyer is, everything will be decided by a JUDGE. Second, YOU have as much of a say in the custody arrangements as he does. DO NOT listen to him when he's trying to throw his weight and the weight of his lawyer around!! There is so much more to custody arrangements than one person saying, "This is what I want, so that's how it's going to be."

Please try to get a lawyer as soon as you can. Like I said before, as part of the divorce settlement you can demand that HE pay your lawyers' fees. You might have to pay a retainer up front, but if it's in the settlement that he has to pay the fees, you will get that money back in the end. You need to do whatever you can to protect yourself, your kids, your finances, and your well being, and the best way to do that right now is to get a lawyer who will fight for you.

I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and I'm so glad to hear you have family who is 100% supportive of you and what you're going through. Please keep us updated...I know that everyone here will try to help you in any way we can!

[Mickey'sGirl]

Please heed Laprana's advice. My sister did not do anything for several months because she refused to believe it, and it ended up costing her her home. She and my niece have been living with us for the past two years while she tries to dig out from under the debt and misery he left them with. Please please please get yourself to a lawyer!

[PAYROLL PRINCESS]

Trust me everyone, she IS going to get a lawyer and it's one who will fight for her and the kids. He's so full of doo-doo it's not even funny. To think I used to like him. And he is trying to play mind games and I keep telling her not to buy into them.
And he better hope he doesn't run in to me anywhere! I will have a thing or two to say to him. In a professional matter of course.
Unfortunately this bozo will be tied to our family for life because of the kids. But if he thinks we'll still welcome him into our lives, that is so not going to happen!!