Am I being too thin skinned? (Long)

[luvdiznee]

For some background, me and my mother do not get along at all. She disagrees with me sometimes just to disagree and argue. I believe it is because of the fact that of me my brother and sister, only I am the one to not have to go to her for $$$. They borrow money from her constantly, and yes we are all adults. And I'm the youngest of us 3. I feel like this is the only way she can feel needed. She's not married, lives alone and even my brother and sister don't care to be around her other than when they need her, because of the fact that she just wants to control you and if she's not able to, she will say things to try to hurt you. Which brings me to my question. Because I have a DD12 who is a Type I Diabetic and she goes through a lot because of this. Well, if anything my mother is ALWAYS saying she does not want to get Diabetes. I will say to her you don't want to get heart disease cancer and other diseases, too. But she will continue to say she just doesn't want to get diabetes. Not sure if I'm being too sensitive because of DD's situation? I reminded her how she has High blood pressure, and she just beat this argument into the ground that that is under control. Her doctors are happy with her numbers. Needless to say when she says things I feel are against my DD I WON'T call her for weeks. There have been times when she is saying things to me that are so negative and nasty (such as does DD still wet the bed? She knows she hasn't done this since she was about 4!) That I am literally shaking and it seems unable to say too much. I just don't know. I feel it is time for us to part ways. But she will never see it as this bad. Thanks for anything.

[iluvdizney2]

just wondering....are we twins?
or are our mothers twins?
you just described mine.
And yes it is because they are jealous we are all set, and we dont need the "help". Its called control, and I have turned the tables and said that.

[SBETigg]

I feel for you. My husband has that kind of relationship with his mother. We're speaking again and working on repairing the relationship, but for a while, it was best for us to cut off contact. We just couldn't deal with the manipulation and nastiness. We needed the time away from her. It really helped. Now we can approach the relationship with new patience and understanding and a better ability to distance ourselves from her emotionally while still keeping in contact. You might need some time, too.

Don't feel guilty about wanting some emotional distance. You shouldn't have to put up with someone who makes you feel that way just because they're related. But with time, you might find a way to repair it so that you're happier and more able to be in control of that relationship.

I'm not sure anyone can speak to the specific circumstance that is pushing you in this case. It sounds more like there's a build-up of her comments and behaviors through the years that is driving the wedge between you. Take some time if you need it. Tell her you need some personal space and time for reflection. Be prepared for her to try to burst her way back in, though. She might use that to make more drama. You have to be firm in protecting your personal distance once you set that goal. Don't let cards, letters, phone calls, emails sway you. Simply tell her you're taking some personal time before getting back to her, and then don't respond to her again until you're truly ready. Best wishes with healing and finding some peace.

[DVC2004]

I agree with keeping some distance.

We have issues with my husband's side- his sisters and his parents. And like you, we are the only ones who have it together and never ask for anything. However, this creates resentment for some reason I cannot wrap my head around. His sisters assume we have our position in life because his parents help us financially (not true!) and his parents are resentful because we don't need thier help with anything. Wierd huh?

Last year we had a run in with my SIL, she has been saying and doing things, and making trouble for years. Finally it culminated into a huge blowup and we asked her to please just not contact us anymore. She has tried several times- sending nasty letters, calls, other things that are odd and I won't get into. Anyway, it's been a good year since we have stepped back from the drama. I am sorry whatever her issues are, but we don't need to subject ourselves to the constant jealousy and fighting and bad feelings she has.

I know it's different because this is your mom, not an inlaw, but I agree put some space between for a while. Maybe then you can discuss the issues with her once a little time has passed. I'm really sorry but hang in there- you aren't alone in these issues.

[Lakin]

No, you are not being too thin skinned. Your mother needs to think before she talks, and if she's unable to do so, then she should just keep her yap shut.

[Marilyn Michetti]

I'm in the VERY same situation, except that my mother lives with us. One brother and one sister that "advise" me on how to be with her, but don't come around. Wonder if they will when the life insurance check comes?

[LauraleeH]

The next time she asks you if your daughter still wets the bed, I would respond with a "Why?" and the next time she says she doesn't want diabetes I would say "Why not?" and just watch her reaction. I like to ask why when people ask me stupid questions ("Do you ever talk to or think about your ex from years ago?" "Um, WHY?!"). It catches them off guard and makes them think about what they're really saying. Just be honest and say why in the world would you ask me that or say that?! And then go ahead and be completely honest about how you feel when she says things like that.

Your mom needs to feel needed...well, maybe you could figure out a way to show her you need her.

If working on the relationship isn't helpful and becomes more stressful, maybe it's time to move on.

[ibelieveindisneymagic]

I am so sorry, family stress is so hard, isn't it?

I would call her on it. The next time she says something that bothers you I would speak up and say "Mom, why are you being mean? You need to stop now".

If she continues to be nasty, simply stop calling or seeing her for a while. When she calls to find out why, tell her she's being mean and hurtful and that it is better for your family if you don't see her right now.

When you feel ready, you can approach her and see if there is a way to work her back into your life.

Again, I'm so sorry!

[luvdiznee]

just wondering....are we twins?
or are our mothers twins?
you just described mine.
And yes it is because they are jealous we are all set, and we dont need the "help". Its called control, and I have turned the tables and said that.

So glad to know it's not just me and her. Not that I'm wishing this upon anyone else. But it makes it a bit easier to understand that this is maybe just how people get.

No, you are not being too thin skinned. Your mother needs to think before she talks, and if she's unable to do so, then she should just keep her yap shut.

Thank you for the laugh. Funny and to the point.

I am so sorry, family stress is so hard, isn't it?

I would call her on it. The next time she says something that bothers you I would speak up and say "Mom, why are you being mean? You need to stop now".


Again, I'm so sorry!

You are so right about that. Though that is the problem sometime, because then I'm feeling like I'm opening up to her (by admitting that it hurts )and don't want to do that with her. But it makes perfect sense, so I will try.

Thanks everyone for some very good suggestions. And good luck to anyone in these situations, too.

[crazypoohbear]

Okay, I'm gonna play devils advocate.
Could your mother be saying that she would never want Diabetes because it scares her too much to see what her grand daughter is or might go through and she is too "tough" to say she is scared for her?
Her high blood pressure is under control by her doctor and she knows this. Yet she is unsure about your daughter's health and this is not something that she feels is under control.
The bed wetting question, maybe one of your siblings has a child that is about your daughters age and that child still wets the bed. Maybe your mom keeps asking to get perspective on it or this is her way of "opening the lines of communcation"?
Or could you mom have the beginning of dementia and not remember how old your child is?
As for the money and the other siblings, everyone is now adults and your mother still has to "help" them and support them and it makes her feel needed and useful. She might feel that you don't "need" her any more and she resents that she can't help you.
A lot of times parents of a certain age have no idea what they are saying to us is mean and hurtful and they were raised as a generation of not showing fear or concern.
I have no idea if this is the case in your situation I just wanted to offer another perspective. and maybe if you view your mom and her comments in a different light things might change. Sometimes if you don't react she will stop with her comments.

[MNNHFLTX]

I think it's understandable that your mother's remarks rub you the wrong way--after all, you are looking out for your daughter's feelings too (although I would hope that your mom doesn't make these remarks with your daughter around!)

As far as what is prompting the ones related to diabetes (at least somewhat), a lot of people attach a stigma to diabetes that they don't attach to other health issues. Personally I think it has to do with a fear of needles; in their mind, it's much more acceptable to pop a bunch of pills to control their blood pressure or cholesterol or what-have-you, then to do glucose testing and take insulin injections. That diabetes can be well-controlled and that diabetics can live normal active lives is not an idea that some people can comprehend.

[mrsgaribaldi]

I agree with pretty much everything that has been said. I don't think you're too thin skinned. Not every mother and daughter have a wonderful relationship, it would be nice but it just isn't so. My sister and our mom have the best relationship and I pretty much have none with my mother and definately none with my sister. They are like two mean peas in a pod, but I digress, sorry. If she makes you unhappy, stay away from her. Life is just to short.

[thrillme]

My Mom is a wonderful lady but she "pushes the envelope" sometimes. (I need to lose weight, I'm not dressing my son warm enough, I've got a "cheap house", etc).

When I see her we chat...if she she starts to go in a direction that I don't appreciate...I tell her nicely..."We've gotta go"...and I gather my family and leave. If we're at an event that I can't leave..."I've gotta go get something out of the car". SLOWLY...she's starting to learn.

I tried the "direct" approach once..."Mom it really hurts me when you say "blank". I'm aware of it and I really don't like discussing it." but that didn't work...so now...I just LEAVE when she tries to "help".

[hokies4life]

For me its like that with my Father. I know I'm young and but my Fiance and I have it all together and don't need help from our parents at all. And I think that since I've always been an independant person, he feels the need to make nasty comments just to be in control. I've always felt like you do, so I can feel your pain. Don't be afraid to step away from the situation to try to figure out the best course of action.

[brownie]

Lay it on the line for her. I would describe to her what she does and how it makes you and your family feel. You need to be specific and avoid any generalities (you always...), though. I would tell her that you would like to see her and visit her, but her behavior needs to change for that to continue. Make sure you support and change effort she makes, no matter how small.