Overbearing Sports Parents

[imaprincess!]

My son had a baseball game tonight. The poor pitcher --- I can't say his father was totally obnoxious, but he never stopped coaching the child from the sides. The coach even nicely said to him to, "Relax, that's what I'm here for", but the father kept going. He even sat down on the team bench, even though he is not a coach. When he wasn't coaching from the sides, he was pacing. You know the type, clenched jaw and really concentrating ... looked like he was going to break like a guitar string.

I heard the wife tell him to let the coach do the coaching, but his response was that the coach wasn't telling the boy the same things he was saying; that his son always makes the same pitching errors year after year.

I was embarrassed for the boy, the wife and the coach and I'm not sure I can listen to this guy all season! Any advice, sports moms and dads?

[Ian]

Yeah, I have some advice ... stay clear of the guy!

Seriously, these nutty sports parents are dangerous. You always see stories of them flipping out at games and assaulting coaches and other parents.

Leave it up to the team's coach to deal with him and sit as far away from him as you can!

[Melanie]

I agree. Stay far, far away!

Just be glad he's not 'coaching' your kid. I'm dealing with that this year in soccer (with my 7 year old son), and it's a MOM!

[Advnt05]

It's a good teaching lesson for your child. You can point out how the game is supposed to be fun and open a dialogue about that. Ask him/her if the other child appears to be having fun. It also would be nice just to give the other child a compliment as you pass after the game. Something simple like "you played really well" would lighten the mood.
I used to coach basketball. Short of banning the parent from the game, there is not really much you can do. Those parents can't sit back and not participate. It's not in their nature. A lot of those kids end up not taking adversity well. They pitch fits and cry when they lose or get taken out of games.

[Jimenyfan]

I agree, stay away from him. I have 2 boys who play baseball and football and have seen more parents get into it at games and games having to be stopped because of it. The hardest thing for me right now is watching my oldest play high school football. Its a different world out there.

[Marker]

Yeah, parents like that can be a real problem. They embarrass their kid, the take all of the fun out of playing game, and they are a constant distraction to not only their own kid, but the whole team. And a distracted ball player can get hurt. And for that reason, he need to be told to sit down and let the kids play. Can't have him distract the kids, his or any of them, and wind up with a kid getting a ball in the face of something. I had that discussion with a couple parents, and luckily, they listened. I know that's not always the case. But besides all of the other potential issues, he's interfering with the "real" coaching staff, and he is potentially putting the players at risk by distracting them from concentrating on the game. It needs to be stopped. If he continually refuses to cooperate, our league has banned such people from games for the overall safety of the kids. You really hate to do it, but they are an adult making their own decisions. The kids don't need the distraction, they don't need the bad example, and when it comes to the kid's safety, NOTHING takes a back seat. That parent needs to be talked to. Perhaps first by other parents, if you have any who would be will to help in that way. Otherwise by the coach.

Overbearing coaches are WORSE, at least in my opinion. When my kids were in little league, coaches like that were precisely the reason I coached. I didn't want my kids on their team. Kids don't need the tantrums. Kids don't need the "win at all cost, even cheat" attitude. Yes, absolutely try to be competitive, and do your best, but have fun too. At that age, if you make it all work and all stress, with no fun, the kids are going to wind up hating the game.

We were a mediocre team. We won some, we lost some. We always tried our best, but the world didn't come to an end if we lost. The kids were given opportunity to play any position they wanted, and maybe even some they didn't know they wanted. We learned basic skills. We learned to learn from losing, and to win graciously. And the kids had fun.

[kakn7294]

I also agree that you should steer clear of him! Hopefully since the coach now knows that this problem exists, he will deal with the obnoxious dad - maybe he was waiting until he had the opportunity to do it in private rather than embarassing the boy and wife further at the game. Unfortunately, unless the umpire bans obnoxious dad from the games, talking to the guy is about all the coach can do.

[Christine]

I (as I am sure many many other parents!) totally understand!

My daughter has played soccer, two seasons a year, since she was 4. She is now 7. We have always seen REALLY enthusiastic, sometimes borderline crazy parents. But last season took the cake!

We had some dads (mind you, this was 6 year old girls soccer- no positions are played, no score is kept, etc) that were horrifying! One would scream incessantly at his daughter, and if she missed a play he would scream out to her "that just earned you a lap after the game". He would 'tally' how many laps she OWED him after the game and had to run them right there around the field.

Then our other dad was worse. Not only did he totally degrade his daughter (would pull her to the side at quarter breaks and point his finger right in her face saying things like "I am embarassed to be your dad!" "I can't even stand to look at you right now!" etc. (and I am NOT over-exaggerating!)

But he didn't stop at his daughter. He would yell at all of the other girls as well.

Needless to say, we got re-pooled into another team and I suggest you do the same if this guy doesn't chill out!

[Scar]

... his response was that the coach wasn't telling the boy the same things he was saying; that his son always makes the same pitching errors year after year.

If he were privately talking to his son over the fence in between innings I think that would be ok, but if he was yelling at him while he was on the mound, then that is not only inappropriate, but probably detrimental. The best time for him to be coaching his son is in his back yard. I would venture to guess that Dad never does this though, probably too busy.

[Marker]

If everyone just avoids these overbearing sports parents, and just changes teams to run away from him, you're still leaving the mess behind for someone else to deal with. There are still kids left behind being adversely affected by this inappropriate behavior.

Behavior such as this needs to be addressed, not ignored or avoided. Perhaps a parent, or group of parents, could offer to help the couch in dealing with this so the coach can focus on the team. It's usually better to try to work together and help instead of just ignoring it and expecting someone else to do it.

Coaches volunteer a tremendous amount of time, effort, and often money for the sake of the kids, and all too often run into nothing but demands and griping from the other parents. It's a whole lot easier when the other parents are helpful, and at least on the same team, instead of beind adversaries. Been there, done that.

[imaprincess!]

Thanks for your responses! My son's football coach quit after many years of coaching the same team because of the parents complaining that their son wasn't getting enough playing time. He got tired of the endless phone calls and e-mails complaining about it. It's such a shame that the parents have caused their sons to lose an excellent coach.

"We" have a baseball game tomorrow night. I guess I'll need a chair with wheels to stay away from the loudmouth father since he paces around the whole game! Poor boy -- I'll be sure to compliment on his game, win or lose.

[d_m_n_n]

I am sad to admit, but these parents are the reason I don't encourage DS9 to play these sports. Every year when the soccer and baseball forms come home I ask, "Do you want to play?" And when he says no, I silently breathe a sigh of relief. I raise my kids in a loving environment where mistakes are made and it's no big deal. I don't know how he would react to someone yelling at their kids like that.

I don't remember parents being like this when I played sports (25 years ago)...is this something new or did I just have good team parents? One year I was a benchwarmer for an entire season of softball. Never once did my parents call to complain about playing time. I guess I was just having fun being part of a team...I didn't even notice!

[Marker]

I don't remember parents being like this when I played sports (25 years ago)...is this something new or did I just have good team parents?

I think it's gotten worse, but 20 years ago there were definitely parents and coaches like that. As I said, that's why I got involved in coaching, so my kids wouldn't be coached by someone with such an extreme, win at all costs, philosophy. My kids wanted to play, and I wanted them to.

There are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned from playing ball. Lessons about teamwork, about winning, and about losing. Lessons about sportsmanship. And even with lessons about facing adversity and dealing with disappointment. Everyone want their kids to win, and for their experience to be free of disappointments.... but in my opinion, the lessons learned for losing, and from facing those disappointments are just as valuable, probably more so.

[Ian]

I can 100% assure you that parents like this existed 25 years ago ...

My best friend growing up ... his father used to make him stand at home plate while his Dad threw pitches at him as hard as he could.

Notice I said at him not to him. He was trying to teach him how to "take a pitch" by throwing 80mph fastballs at his 8 year old!!

And this man was a minor league pitcher ... he could THROW! If my friend flinched or backed away from the ball he'd scream in his face, "WHATSAMATTER WITH YOU??? ARE YOU SCARED???? TAKE THE PITCH LIKE A MAN!!!"

So yeah ... this has been going on for a long, long time ...

[Jimenyfan]

Far to many parents out there are trying to live their own sports dreams through their children. I see so many players on my sons baseball team cry when they get struck out or dont pitch well and I only wonder how much of the pressure they feel comes directly from their parents.

[imaprincess!]

The big thing around here are travel teams. I'm totally bewildered when I hear parents talk about them --- we had a travel game, we know so-and-so from travel ... " It's a total status thing. Funny thing is, the one travel organization doesn't even have enough people try out, so basically, you make the elite travel team if you are willing to shell out about $300 for the season. When I was little, boys were chosen to be on an all-star team after watching them all season on the regular league. It didn't require extra money; it was a reward for being a really good player.

[Marker]

It may be different from area to area, but being on a tournament team that travelled was a pretty cool experience for the kids. At least from my experience, being on a tournament team wasn't about $$$$, it was about being good enough. To me, nothing wrong at all with letting good players play more competitive ball. I typically had 2 or 3 players on my team that would be picked up by a tournament team at the end of the season. The coaches always came and talked to me about it first, but I thought it was a great opportunity. And typically, they came back to my team the following season.

We also typically took our "mediocre" league team on the road for at least one tournament. We'd travel about 200 miles to Salina KS to play in their tournament. The kids thought it was GREAT. I always just took my regular season team, I didn't load up with player from other teams because I didn't want to have to leave any of my guys at home.

But nothing wrong at all with "all star" teams, if it's done rights. Better players deserve and opportunity to play better ball. These players strive for, and really step up to the higher level of competition. And it's because they want to.

If it turns into a bad thing, it's typically the adults fault. But that's the way it usually is with kid's activities, it's the adults that step in and ruin the fun.

[indytraveler]

imaprincess, I'm surprised... You must of missed the memo. There are college and professional scouts coming to Little League and coach pitch games all across the country. They are signing these kids so early now that every dad doesn't want to miss out on the gravy train their child will provide when they are 12.

Seriously, though just stay away from him best you can. Hopefully his child improves a little because I don't want to think about the backyard practices.

[Jimenyfan]

I'm on the lookout for the high school football scout, I'll take a little extra to get my son through school.

[imaprincess!]

Poor little guy! I was thinking about the courage it takes to get up there and pitch, even if you don't have a wacko sports parent. I took my kids to the batting cages, and it's easy to watch and give advice. However, once I got in the cage to try to hit a few balls myself, it was much harder than it looked!