How to deal with a friends illness

A friend from work had this sinus/ cough throat problem going on for about 2-3 months. She went to the doctor several times and kept getting antibiotics for sinus infection. Finally the doctor sent her to a specialist and got more testing done.

She has throat cancer and had a large tumor and other growths in her throat and I guess her lungs. She was put in the hospital that day, had surgery, started chemotherapy. Now she is home but has a feeding tube. She had to get 8 teeth pulled and they may have to pull ALL of them.

So she went from working full-time, to a doctor appointment and straight to all this!!:(

I sent a card, but I am not sure what else to do. I don't think she would want any company and I don't know her husband. We weren't friends that hung out together away from work but I feel like one card isn't enough. Maybe I should just send her a card or note once a week just to let her know she is being thought of.


I feel so bad for her - she is only 45 and to go from her regular life to this in a few short days is terrifying.

Wow, that is terrifying. How awful for her, and you're a good friend to be concerned. You don't know if she wants company, but that might be exactly what she needs. It's amazing how many people keep away at times like this, when sometimes we need people to show up more than ever.

I would call her husband and I ask if you can drop by or if he thinks she would prefer not. Send a card a week. Send casseroles or a fruit arrangement (her husband might benefit- he must be terrified too). Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, and know that every gesture you make is going to be appreciated.

She doesn't have a lot of family - her family is from Belgium but she has lived in the states for about 25 years. No parents alive but one brother. She married a military guy. He has a few family members around here and they have a 24 year old son that lives at home and works full-time.

I think I will send another card this week and see how it goes from there. Maybe talk to some of my former co-workers since I changed jobs a few weeks ago.

Thanks for the suggestions.

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Originally Posted by Katzateer

I think I will send another card this week and see how it goes from there. Maybe talk to some of my former co-workers since I changed jobs a few weeks ago.

Thanks for the suggestions.

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Oh good idea. Maybe you can rally the coworkers to do something together, too.

If you have her cell phone number or email, just send her a text or email and tell her if she would like some company to just let you know. Also say, if she doesn't feel like it and wants to be alone that is fine too, you understand. If you don't have her number or email, write it all in a card and give her your phone number and email address.

There is no reason to tip toe around it, I don't understand why people do that....just ask her and say what is on your mind. I have read that one of the things that bothers people the most in situations like this where they have a serious illness, is in fact the way people act so funny and almost avoid them. A lot of the times they just want some sort of normalcy. Even if it is someone coming by and just sitting there with their mouth shut and watching a movie with them. Just the company is nice because they are cooped up and can't go out and do what they normally do.

One thing you could do if you go by, is tell her about this forum if she doesn't already know about it. Especially if she is a disney person. A good forum is a huge help in passing time and providing interaction with other people.

I had a lot of people disappear from my life after my recurrence ... just a fact of life. A good book you might want to get for you and those in your office is Help Me Live: 20 Things People With Cancer Want You to Know by Lori Hope.

A call to her husband might be in order to see about what you can do to support the family. (And don't just show up with food ... a family has preferences and a friend of mine got upset when I wasn't thrilled with her bag of groceries because I should have been overjoyed with products we never ever eat.)

I'm sorry that she's in this situation and you're a wonderful friend for caring. :hug:

I think it's wonderful that you're showing her you care!

As a pastor, I would echo the advice that everyone is giving here. The best thing that you can do is offer your presence if it is desired. And don't be offended if it isn't, especially since you weren't close. Just showing that you care and that you are thinking about her will mean a lot.

Everyone is different but I know my DH was filled with hope, inspiration, and determination after any human contact, either in person or through cards/letters/emails, during and after his hospital stays.

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Originally Posted by SBETigg

I would call her husband and I ask if you can drop by or if he thinks she would prefer not. Send a card a week. Send casseroles or a fruit arrangement (her husband might benefit- he must be terrified too). Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, and know that every gesture you make is going to be appreciated.

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That's what I was thinking; send a card or flowers to cheer her up would be a nice gesture. Or maybe take a collection from the office and send it over to help with something they may need. It's always nice to know people we work with are thinking of us outside of the job. I mean we spend 8 hours sometimes more with our co-workers even if you aren’t great friends they are still people we would do things for in a time of need. It would be nice to know we all still care after hours... :mickey:

I am currently in the same situation (not exactly the same, because the friend with cancer is a much closer friend). One of the things that I know has been much appreciated is gift cards for take out restaurants. Most restaurants like Chili's, Applebees, etc has drive up parking for pick-up. I know that many times my friend doesn't feel like cooking etc for her family since her energy is so drained. So a gift card to a restaurant is great! One tha offers both dine-in or carry-out. Because then the could do whatever they feel up to that night.

You are a special person to care so much and you are more of a friend to her than you think just being the caring person you are! ;)

As a person who has recently gone through finding cancer and having to have a kidney removed I'd like to offer my advice. Nothing meant more to me than to hear from my friends and family. Whether it is a card, an email, a phone call, facebook messages, texts - whatever it was, it mean the world to me to know people were thinking about me and praying for me. It can be very isolating when you come home after a major surgery - and facing the fact that you had cancer - most of the time you are alone during the day for a few weeks before you feel like getting out of the house and it gives you way too much time to think.I had one friend who sent me a little "worry" stone and just knowing she went to the trouble to mail it to me meant so much. Just let her know you are there and that you care......

Hearing about Ellen made me think more about my former co-worker. I did get to see her. She looks pretty good- if you didn't know what she was going through she looks tired like she had the flu. But she still can't really talk. Was able to say a few things but it was clearly a struggle.

Since she still isn't eating except through a feeding tube I was thinking of inviting her over for a little while when no one but me is home. I could go pick her up and bring her over to see my cats since we used to talk about our pets at work. She isnt getting out around people much because of fear of catching something. Still has another surgery coming up.

Prayers to anyone going through this horrible disease!